my life in ruins

After six months of no practice, here I am again, writing, or at least attempting to. Bare with me.

When I left the Philippines, I didn’t leave only my friends or my house or my pet – if I have any – or my school. When I left I didn’t lost just any of these, I lost the destination of my life’s journey.

When I was in High School, it was clear to me what my destination was — to get into the top university in my country — my first love, University of the Philippines. I remember the feeling of want bursting through my chest and the blood rushing through my every vein, every time I think about getting that dream of mine. Every day of my senior year I will think about getting in and finally being one of the scholar ng bayan.

I knew that I would be heartbroken if I wouldn’t get in so I worked hard. I didn’t know how I actually did it, til now, but I DID it. I’m one of the lucky two who passed from our batch. Because our school has a very low population, there are only two in our batch who got in and I am one of that lucky two.


You know that feeling of wanting something really badly — it made you sick — then you finally got it.  It is like when you are very sure you want that little black dress in the mannequin in your favorite store and when you tried it on, it is the best fit and size for you. That no matter how expensive it would be you are so buying it because you know it has always been what you wanted. That is the same when I got in to UP, at least the part of being sure of wanting it.

I thought getting in was everything, I was so wrong, it was only the beginning. When I got in, I had promised one thing to myself: I would live college life to the fullest. I wouldn’t care about grades and I wouldn’t be put under pressure. But being inside the walls of my dream university, it was not possible. And being enrolled under my program, someone can’t afford to be a mediocre. Someone should expect pressure at all times because every presentation someone has to deliver, it would be all about surviving exactly that.

When I entered UP, the destination of my life’s journey changed from entering it to getting out of it, meaning surviving it but today, I can’t exactly say what my friends had said – that they survived UP – because I am a little credit/s short. I am depressed and sad and lonely and what have you. I have lost it.

Now I am not sure where I should be next, and where’s the destination really is now (whispers all I know is I want to be rich). I might seem to be a difficult person but my mind actually works pretty simple as I look like. Having said that, I decided that I would live life as it comes, I would not complicate things because they are complicated as they are right now. I will still finish school because I know how important education is like the movie An Education. But for now that there is still no school yet for me, I will attend as many concerts as I could, I will practice yoga every day, I will watch movies of all sort, I will shop til I can’t walk anymore and I will go to all the parties I could attend to (invited or not :P).

I will live life to the fullest like what I had promised myself in college, only now as an out of school youth.

But that wouldn’t be for long 🙂

3 thoughts on “my life in ruins

  1. Wow Bebe you make me wanna do all those things you said in the latter part. 😀

    And learning shouldn’t stop when you get out of school, right? So go learn from all your experiences. I am so excited to hear about them!! 🙂

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