“My compass…is unique.”
“Unique here having the meaning of broken?”
“True enough, this compass does not point north.”
“…Where does it point?”
“It points to the thing you want most in this world.“
If only I can borrow Capt Jack Sparrow’s compass maybe it would be easier for me to know what I really wanted. During the holidays, I had wanted so many things proof of that is my recent wish list. And I got them actually, almost all of them, I bought them myself and I didn’t need to ask anyone to get it for me. I am not bitter or sorry for myself because nobody got them for me, I did not need anyone honestly. But I thought getting them would make me happy, I am almost scared to admit that I am wrong, maybe a bit wrong. Buying all those material things in my wish list did not at all made me happy because until this very moment I am writing this post, I feel a tiny ache in my heart, which I quite don’t know how to explain.
Then I asked myself: what do you really wanted, Ericka?
It is not peace, its not harmony, its not those boots, its not the purse or the clothes, its not even a car, I actually DO NOT KNOW. Yesterday my sister and I went for the infamous Boxing Day where everything was supposed to go on sale. I went home empty handed. Nothing appealed to my inner satisfaction of spending. Part of the reason I guess was that I shopped prior to the Boxing Day but I could have still bought something right? But then I did not. Not that I did not have money, actually I had some spare left which I allowed myself to use especially for these special sales. It is this point in time where you just spaced out in the middle of the mall and think which store do I go next? It is like you are lost with no clear plans or no GPS to tell you which way to go. Good thing I brought my sister with me and she knew exactly what she wanted. I envy her sometimes knowing she wanted these shoes and she wanted these kinds of sweatpants. It is so much simpler.
Maybe I need Capt Jack Sparrow, to lend me his compass because right now, I need some serious guidance.
But most probably its just you that I needed. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO EMOTIONAL.