You know it’s the good because of the bad 

Elon is going to be a month old in 2 days. While taking care of him, I have learned that there were the days I had to let go, move on, and learn from. There were the not so good days but still okay. And there were the good days which I appreciate more because of the not so good ones.

You learn some

When Elon was a day old, we drove to my mom’s house. He had his umbilical cord hanging out taunting all of us to fall out plus his circumcision was still fresh. After Edward and I had dinner, Elon started crying. We tried giving him food but it was not food that he wanted. By process of elimination, we checked the diaper next. It was soiled — soiled with a lot of poo that it soiled his circumcision too! There was a gauze covering it but we had to take it off to clean the mess. We were supposed to wait 24 hrs before taking it off but because there was poo in there, it had to be done early. I had to do it. Elon was so tiny and everything else was tiny. His tiny legs kept on kicking. His tiny hands kept on struggling and wiggling. I was praying!!! Praying that I do not hurt him and I get to clean his circumcision without causing any infections later on.

It was a show. My mom and dad were there. My aunt’s family was there. And while Elon was crying out loud jiggling away, everyone was handing me what was necessary. It looks like it was a medical surgery and I was the main surgeon and they were all my assistant. My dad handed me Vaseline. My mom was ready with the warm water with cotton balls. Edward was holding Elon’s legs up so I can work on wiping all the poo away and put another clean gauze on. After minutes of crying and Elon turning red, the procedure was done and successful. I thought I would get a heart attack. It was something else!

This is one example of the days that I had to move on and learn from. I definitely learned how to care for a circumcised baby! But this is something I would not want to do again (unless I have another boy). I got too nervous it felt like my driving test all over again.

You survive

There were the not so good days but were still manageable, like Wednesday night after a trip to my mom’s where Elon slept peacefully in the morning. But partied all night! Yes he partied at our apartment, relentless. The first half of the night was good. He slept for two hours and then some one and a half more. But after 1:30am, he kept on soft crying. Soft crying meaning what? Exactly. I did not know what was wrong. I fed. I changed the diaper. I cuddled. I burped. Heck I even walked while rocking him, combo with a lullaby. He’ll be peaceful for five minutes and gone crying the next fifty five. So I tried putting him on the bed between me and Edward. I tried cuddling him while I lay down. When I looked up, it was already 6 in the morning.

Both of us did not get any proper sleep. I was not concerned for myself. I can get over it. My concern was Elon’s. I googled infant not getting enough sleep but there were no helpful articles. Apparently, most babies his age just sleeps. But why can’t my Elon do so too? I called in my reinforcement – my mom. She said not too worry and let him be. He will sleep if he wants too. But what if he does not grow tall? So we tried some more. We tried changing the room temperature. We tried soft music. Normal music. No music. We even tried double swaddling. Single swaddle. What about no swaddle, open window?

In the end, I thought that maybe it was gas cause he keeps on squirming while turning red and he stretches his legs like he is pushing something out of his system. Until now, we are figuring out what was wrong that night. Our conclusion was the bottle feeding we did the afternoon of Wednesday while we were out. That was the only thing we did differently. Elon was probably used to breastfeeding. Poor baby was sleep deprived – luckily he slept like a champ last Thursday night. And while I am writing this entry, he is sleeping some more catching up on those Zzzs. We are aiming for 6 ft, anak! Haha! I was able to handle that day but deep down I had so many questions if I was doing it right. It was one of those days. It passed but it was not one of the best.

You find the good

The good days come unexpectedly while taking care of Elon. Sometimes, he decides to extend his sleep for 3-4 hours. Some days, he actually sleeps in his crib without any fuss. There are days I feel like we are in sync – mother son sync. He cries. I change his diaper. He stops. He cries. I feed him. He is satisfied. He cries. I pick him up. He sleeps. I put him to bed. These kinds of days, I feel like an adequate enough mother. I feel like I am doing motherhood with a gold star. These days I am even able to clean, cook, and write.

Last night was one of those days that I get to really appreciate parenting. I was well rested because Elon had slept 2-3 hours during the night time and he made it easy for me to put him back in his crib without any fuss. He would cry, I would pick him up. Check his diaper. Feed him. Burp him. Cuddle him a little and then he is back in his crib sleeping soundly. Today during day time, he put in a lot of sleep too occasionally crying if his diaper was wet or if it is was feeding time. Today, I believe I was a good “mommy” so I am writing this post as an appreciation to my son for a job well done and to all the mamas raising their babies by themselves (I can’t imagine having twins and raising them). I would also like to appreciate the bad days in the past for it were not for them, I would not be able to say that this day is any different.

We learn to appreciate the good because of the bad. So I thank the circumstances for becoming really bad before because today it is better. Today is a good day.

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