Rainbows and Butterflies (and a little rain)

It will be almost 60 days since Elon was born. Since day one, I have been with him 24/7. During the times that I am awake from when he was born, I looked at him, kissed him, held him, and cared for him. The rest of the times, that I am asleep, I dreamt about him. I dreamt about his sneezing face, his pouty face (this is my favorite), his paawa face, his about to cry face, and his big smiley face with eyes arched to smile as well. We take naps together. We sometimes eat together (me nursing him while I reach for a spoonful of rice). 

The longest time that he was away from me within a hundred metre range would be when he was in his crib when he sleeps for 5 hours max. And the longest I was away from him by more than 100 metres would be 5 hours max also when I had to run a bunch of errands. There was a separation anxiety I have never expected I would be feeling for this half human being. It was a feeling so fresh and foreign.

When Edward and I separated physically for that long distance relationship, I had expected myself to feel separation anxiety. This was expected from us given that we have been together for a while and then there’s a sudden change of proximity. We had been prepared, but of course, we battled the separation anxiety one day at a time. And the truth was, there were so many distractions to even think about it. 

The feeling was so different with Elon. The first time I had to leave him with my mom, I had to call every 20 minutes, if not 10. And I was only away for 2 hours for the first time. Eventually I was able to make it up to 5 hours.  

Creepy fact: Sometimes when he sleeps in my arms, I just watch him breathe. I am the overly attached mother.  

But you know what’s weird? Even Biology knows whenever I was away from Elon. Every time I was away from Elon, my boobs would know. My boobs would miss Elon. They get annoyingly and painfully engorged that I need my Elon to empty them out to make them feel better. My boobs need Elon the same way I need him. It’s funny how my boobs would know when to produce milk just when Elon would need to feed. 

I remember the first time Elon slept for 5 hours straight, my boobs woke me up. I even woke Edward up to tell him that our son was still sleeping for what seemed like a too long interval. But I knew that I needed to let the milk out because some of it even actually leaked out onto our bed already. So I peeked through Elon’s crib only to see that he was still fast asleep. I poked his cheek to make sure he was still alive and breathing, he still was. I decided to pump to relieve myself instead of waking him up. But at the back of my mind, I was wishing he would wake up (cause I wanted to hold him!!). And you know what, as if he heard my wish, he woke up before I even started pumping. Maybe it was the poke that did it though. It might also be one of those God’s gifts of unexplained connection and bond, especially that of a mother and a child. 

But in all honesty, having a kid no matter how adorable they are, it is not always adoration that you feel towards them. There are frustrations too. I learned that sometimes not all cries have to be tended. There were some that Elon has to figure out for himself. He has to self soothe. 

There was one night I got so frustrated trying to put Elon to sleep. I bathed him before 7, and fed him. If it were a good day, he would doze off while nursing. And by the time he was in his deeper sleep, I can put him down with no problem in his crib. But that one night, he was so fussy, I tried all the tricks that only crying with him worked to relieve my stress. From 7PM, the clock had turned 10PM. I was losing my mind. Until I told Elon that I am no longer putting up with his sobbing. Still awake, I put Elon down in his crib while I retreat on mine. And after 5 minutes, when the crying had finally stopped, I checked on him and he was playing. And after 10 minutes, he was fast asleep. He figured it out. He soothed himself. He needed me to give him some time and everything turned out okay.  

Having a kid seems to all be rainbows and butterflies, that’s what you see in pictures and on social media. But the truth, there are some rains in it too. There are times that I ask why. Why do I have to do it. Why can’t I soothe him. But if you ask me to be away from my baby even just for an hour, man, I would be thinking about him every minute of it. Sometimes I wish I can still put him in my tummy so I can be with him 24/7 even when he is sleeping. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I want him all for myself. 

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