Mortality

I am writing this down to remember this time when I felt like I almost had gone crazy. But really I could have avoided it if I had more or just enough fear of the Lord rather than FOMO. I had a scare recently when I have felt a lump in my chest with some pains. My mind already fast forwarded to the worst story possible. And instead of seeking help immediately, I found myself overwhelmed with fear with the possibility of leaving this Earth too soon (in all the sense of its relativity). I found myself googling, researching everything and anything about what I thought it was but not bringing myself to tell people about what I am feeling.

Honestly (what an irony), I was scared to know the truth. The truth that I would later found out to be nothing to worry about. That’s the thing about fear right – it sucks the life out of you dry. I have had sleepless nights, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what would happen to the people I cared about when I am gone. What would happen to me when I am gone, where do I go? Do I get reincarnated? Do I remember Elon? Will Elon remember me?

Every night I would just think and think and think and damage my spirit until I had the courage to find out the truth. I started telling people including my mother. My mother is a nurse and she would almost always spot if there was something wrong with me. This is the main reason why I was holding back on sharing when I noticed the pains in my chest with her. Because I knew, just by telling her, she might already have a theory (and perhaps she will be right). I gave her top line details and she encouraged me to go see the doctor. She prodded me lots of times so she can theorize more but I purposely declined on giving more info.

I kept on praying. I kept on altering some of the things that I felt was contributing to the pain. I kept on thinking the day will be my last so I had to spend it wisely. No phones, focus on Elon, no stress, be happy. But my soul was confused – it was tugging between trying to brush off what I thought it was versus living the days as if it were the last. But the latter produced quality days for my life overall. I had more productivity at work. I loved hard and there was genuine kindness that I was sharing with everyone. When you think your life is ending you just want to make peace with everything in your life and accept that this is the life God had designed for you. You appreciate life for what it is and thank the Lord that you get to experience it.

But you also wonder a lot about the next part of life. What is really after it? I am a Catholic and I believe in Heaven. And I have a picture of Heaven in my mind but I also kept on wondering if reincarnation is true or what about people I know who have passed away, how are they? Can they talk to us? How do I know they are okay? How do I stop myself from being scared if mortality is such a natural thing and a part of life. And the answer is FEAR OF THE LORD. This is the only fear that is important because it overcomes anything. If you have enough Fear of the Lord, you do good by Him, you love Him, you respect Him and you follow Him. 

All of us living on Earth, healthy or not, nobody really knows when life will end for us. The experts might say 6 months or 100 more years but only God knows the truth. I realized (although it took time) that what I was fearing most was something each person will be facing – their individual end. There is no one person who would escape it. This changed the prayer in my heart. Instead of praying and hoping that everything will turn out the best that it could, now I pray that for each and every day, the Lord guides me through the Holy Spirit. So that I may live the life Jesus had intended for me. I want a life of genuine kindness, overflowing love to share, and quality moments where the people who truly matters to me would remember.

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