When I think of my mom

When I think of my mom,  I think of warm happy feelings (most of the time). We are alike in a lot of ways, I just modified some areas for improvement (also to be millennial). In high school, she’d let me skipped school so we can finish watching Lord of the Rings. Every Friday, we would rent DVDs and she let me pick the titles that interest me. She loved violent movies and that is the reason my favourite film is Kill Bill. We watched volumes 1&2 together. I swear, most of the things that I like and believe are because of her influence. Those were fond memories. And when she knows I’m interested in something, she will make sure I get a chance to hone it even when it is financially hard. She invests in me because she loves me.

When I think of my mom, it’s not all happy thoughts. There were some darker days that I remember that were not the best memories. There were looming fears. Fears of losing her too soon because she’s always been transparent about her health, saying that she has this and that and that is not good. She would sometimes talk about death ever so casually. Part of me thinks it’s her coping mechanism but also maybe this is how she really feels about the whole idea.

When I think of my mom, I think of transparency about her feelings. She never hid anything from me — we don’t have money for a certain thing that I want (but ultimately bending the universe so I can still get what I want like a new laptop or a phone), she’s disappointed of my exam scores, she’s happy with my exam scores, I am good at singing, I suck at singing, she’s mad at my dad, she loves my dad, she thinks I’m getting fat, she thinks I am too skinny, she thinks I need to see a dermatologist, she thinks my skin is getting better, she’s frustrated at me, she’s proud of me. I know her every feeling because she’s not scared to share them with me. She is human.

When I think of my mom, I failed to see her as a human being (but I got past that). We are so easy to think of our parents as just parents and failing to see that before they dedicated their lives for our well- being, they too, had lives of their own. Lives that may have been more important than ours. They were probably more popular than us during their time. They were probably the smartest, the prettiest, whatever it is that they were. Heck, they are probably us when they were younger. But through time and becoming a mother myself, I’ve learned to see past that with both my mom and dad. My mom and dad are human beings just like me and not this powerful entities who can/and should solve all my worries away. We need to take care of them more and show our appreciation (I am working on that).

When I think of my mom, I think of being the best version of myself. She wants me to be the actual best version of myself whether that means good grades, steady job instead of a career, not putting your laptop on top of your stomach without a protector, not putting your phone under your pillow when you’re sleeping, drinking lemon in the morning, putting a hood on when it’s cold outside, checking in to see if you’re pooping everyday, checking in to see if your period is regular, constant reminder of eating well, constant reminder of maintaining a healthy weight and exercising, everyday texts of checking in to see if Elon made it to daycare. Ultimately, she pushes me for things which she thinks is best (in a way she defines the word). My mom deserves the best. And my best version of myself is my best gift for her. I am her legacy.

My mom. She is simple. She is funny. She has a lot of worries. Worries that stem from loving us a whole lot. When you are a mom, you let a part of yourself away without knowing where that part is going. You love your kids hard even when you’re frustrated, even when they don’t listen, even when they forget to show appreciation. As my mom said, it is hard having children because you get so vulnerable that you fear things you haven’t given a second thought before. You fear being gone because you think what would happen to your child without you, who would take care of them like you would, but it’s harder not to have experience this selfless love, loving someone and putting them above yourself first. Constantly worrying about them. Always loving them no matter what. You love anyway and you give part of yourself away because in the end, it is worth it.

Mommy, you’ve lived a selfless life. Now that you are starting your senior years, my prayer for you is that you get to actually NOT worry about a single thing because the Lord got your back. Be worry-free, we got you (daddy got you). You did great. We are okay and we will be okay so please truly enjoy your life for you, the way you want to live it. I am very lucky that you are my mother. I love you.

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