Feeling my feelings

Today it just occurred to me that people will never be able to experience Eden the way babies not born during the pandemic were experienced. Her first year of life seems to be in captivity. She’s like one of the hostages of the pandemic.

That made me sad. I felt sad because it seems that Eden would not be loved by people because she has not seen a lot of the world (and she has not been seen by the world). She knows our house, the park, our hiking spots, but not a lot of people. She literally has seen more trees than people. I feel as if I have to fill that gap, all that love from other people she might be missing. Is my love enough?

And then I also realized that my mat leave would be ending in 5 months. Crazy to think that I have used more than half of it already. I have enjoyed every little trivial thing at home. But there are times like today when I felt like we could have done more. I could have done more with Eden and with Elon. Did I do enough?

I felt like a lot of times were spent rushing – it was always a rush to go somewhere. To be someone. Rush for bedtime. Rush for nap. Rush to clean things. Rush to wash things. Rush bedtime. Rush watching a show. Rush to finish tasks. Rushing steals the enjoyment, the full enjoyment of things. But why do I feel like time is always not enough?

I know I should not feel this way but today these are my feelings. I have whole 5 months of maternity leave left. Tomorrow I would try to do more with Eden and Elon. To just be. To just enjoy the time spent with them. Because time passed is gone forever. I am enough.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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